Woodwinds Flute Jokes How do you get two flutes to play in unison? Shoot one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that flute I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no flute, that was my fife." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clarinet Jokes How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of "nerd?" Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Saxophone Jokes You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? 1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. 2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. 3. The grip. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brass Trumpet Jokes How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I'm better than you." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? The doorbell shrieks! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's too sensitive. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trombone Jokes What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? 1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. 2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? 1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. 2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? The doorbell drags. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone? An optimist. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says "Domino's Pizza" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-At-A-Glance." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? On or off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- French Horn Jokes How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? Have them miss every other note. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy? You can tune a '57 Chevy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A goalpost that can't march. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is the French horn a divine instrument? Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do horn players traditionally greet each other? 1. "Hi. I played that last year." 2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuba Jokes What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a tuba for? 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut." Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Percussionist Jokes Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" 2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. 3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). 4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. 5. None. They have a machine to do that. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: * Violinist: 25 feet * Bad Violinist: 50 feet * Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet * 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet * Accordionist: 60 miles ---------------------------------------------------------------------- How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1. None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs. 2. "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Conductor Jokes A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Not enough concrete. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the ideal weight for a conductor? About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between God and a conductor? God knows He's not a conductor. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of an assistant conductor? A mouse trying to become a rat. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? Some conductors actually read Greek. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- What do do with a horn player that can't play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can't do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" "This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." "And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line 1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. 2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. 3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 4. Look the other way just before cues. 5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. 6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. 7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. 8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth). 9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) 10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music. 12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. 13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. 14. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" 15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder. 16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. 17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. 18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Orchestra Personnel Standards conductor Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God. trumpet player Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God. asst. conductor Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Loses arguments with self. horn player Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. Is God.